


Forever Yours

by gatheringblues



Series: Forever Yours [2]
Category: Gentleman Jack (TV)
Genre: Anne Lister was dramatic as all get out as a teenager - change my mind, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Epistolary, F/F, Gen, Idiots in Love, Light Angst, Mutual Pining, Parental emotional abuse, Pre-Relationship, Pre-Slash, Useless Lesbians, past Anne Lister/Eliza Raine, strategic redactions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-20
Updated: 2020-10-21
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:15:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 4,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27116653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gatheringblues/pseuds/gatheringblues
Summary: Anne and Ann have been writing to each other since they became childhood friends. Anne continues writing after she's expelled from boarding school at age 15, but a problem with the post leads her to fear that Ann has rejected her friendship.
Relationships: Anne Lister (1791-1840) & Ann Walker (1803-1854)
Series: Forever Yours [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1979566
Comments: 10
Kudos: 20





	1. February 6, 1813

**Author's Note:**

> Ann Walker is 13 in this universe. The backstory for how they met is told in "For Anne" but you don't need to read it in order to understand this story.
> 
> I recommend that you read the story with the Creator's Skin turned on, as there are scribbled out words that will change your reading experience.

_February 6, 1813_  
_Ripon School for Young Ladies_  
_Agnesgate, Ripon_

Dear Annie,  


I am being sent home from boarding school, a punishment that far surpasses the crime, for you know how much I detest being confined in the same house as Marian and my mother. Sam and John are still at school and Father is in Upper Canada defending His Majesty’s colony, so I shall have no buffer for their disapproval.

The crime for which I was accused and tried is too sordid to put in writing. I will let your imagination supplant the particulars. While I admit no guilt to anyone, not even you, dear Ann, though you already know most of my sins, you may know that if I had committed said crime it would have been with my fullest enjoyment. I have done nothing illegal, so don’t fret. "Crime" here is a hyperbole. I will say nothing more on the matter and hope to make you mad with curiosity. Perhaps then you would join me in my imprisonment in my family’s ~~madhouse~~ home.

My mother is coming to collect me, as I have been deemed too unruly to travel with only my maid and a school groom as chaperone. Needless to say, she is not pleased with me. I dread the trip home. This is the third school from which I’ve been expelled, and I believe my mother is running out of options. I doubt I will remain at Skelfler House for long. She can withstand my presence less well than I can stand hers.

Though I am confined to my rooms here at school, they have provided ample books, sufficient food, and permitted me to write in my journals as well as letters to relatives. I’ve told them we’re second cousins so that I may write you, and I plan to post this letter before my mother arrives, as I don’t know which privileges she will revoke in punishment, and Mother does love taking you away from me. If I am unable to write you and unable to circumvent her rules, I will write you as soon as I have a forwarding address.

Enough about my plight; I have dwelled in melancholy too long. I was so impressed by the portraits of your siblings that you enclosed in your last letter. How are Elizabeth and Mary? John has grown so much since the last portrait you sent me. He must be nearing twelve now. Is he preparing for a grand tour or college? Your paintings are so lifelike that I feel as though they could start conversing with me at any moment.

I will write again as soon as I am able.

Your friend,   
Anne Lister


	2. February 18, 1813

_February 18, 1813_  
_Skelfer House_  
_Market Weighton, Yorkshire_

Dear Annie,   
My mother has yet to speak a single word to me since collecting me from school. She spoke to the headmaster and the school's servants. We spent the carriage ride home in utter silence. Now that I am returned home all her commands come through our staff. I think she sees this as a punishment, not realizing that I take great relief from her silence.

I would be pleased if Marian ignored me as Mother does, however, I am not so fortunate. She is most disapproving of my alleged shame. She follows me around the house, berates me for dishonouring the family name, and bemoans our sullied reputation. She is afraid she will be judged for my transgressions when she goes to finishing school. In fairness, her fears are not insubstantial. I have made rather a mess of things at all the schools I've attended, and while I hope that the matrons would not judge her for the sins of her sister, I admit I have little faith in the kind-heartedness of teachers. Marian’s governess has already taken a disliking to me and I have only been her pupil for a week.

Perhaps I am too harsh. I know that you would tell me to hold onto faith. You always see the best in people. It's a trait I admire but do not believe I can emulate. I will let you be hopeful for my sister's future while I sit with my guilt.

I will feel terrible if my actions -- alleged actions -- have wounded her prospects. I may not like her, but she is my sister, and she deserves a chance at happiness unmarred by my proclivities. I don't believe you have to like family members to love them. Do you agree? In your dearth of relatives are there any you dislike? You are so kind, but I hope you can be honest with me.

How did you end up so good while I am ~~so unnatural~~ — Forgive me. I am growing maudlin in isolation. I have not been allowed to leave the grounds since returning home last week, and I haven’t heard from my friend from school, Miss Raine, either, though I suppose that should not come as a surprise. ~~given what we were caught doing.~~

It is sufficient for me to applaud your good manners. How do you do it? You make doing as you are told seem enjoyable. Don't you ever want to scream or run away or just generally have a strop? Some days it takes all of my control to refrain from hitting everyone in sight.   
Please write soon. I long to hear from you. There is no need for you to be polished and positive. Just write.

Sincerely,  
Anne Lister, once again of Skelfer House


	3. February 20, 1813

_February 20, 1813_  
_Skelfer House_  
_Market Weighton, Yorkshire_

Dear Annie,   
I sent my last letter only two days past, but I am too impatient to wait for your reply. Mother received her fourth rejection letter on my behalf this morning. There isn't a boarding school in Yorkshire that will take me. One would not expect such news to make me gleeful, you know how dearly I love to learn, but if no school will take me, then perhaps no man will have me, and my family cannot force me to marry. It can hardly be said that I am a suitable match. My dowry is small, I am no great beauty, I have poor manners, and a great temper.

I have only ever mentioned this to Miss Raine, but I never intend to marry. I imagine I've shocked you. Are you blushing? I will become an old spinster living on my brothers' charity. That fate sounds preferable to a future wherein I am chained to a man I shall despise and who would no doubt despise me.

Do you wish to marry? I've never had the courage to ask you before. You need not answer if you think the question impertinent. What sort of person do you dream of wedding? 

My parents are summarily disappointed with each other. The only people I know whose lives are improved by marriage are the poor, but they have had the luxury of marrying for love. Would it be so terrible to be poor? There seems an appeal to being able to live life as you please rather than being endlessly confined by the bounds of what a Lady must or mustn't do. I have not done a very good job at being a lady, perhaps I would be more suited to being poor.

Do you remember when we met and we would play at being Romans and farmers? How long ago that seems, and yet I still like to play pretend.

Mother flew into a rage when she received the latest rejection. She will have to go further afield to find a school that will take me as she hasn't the patience to teach me herself or even keep me in the house for longer than necessary. Can you imagine what a disaster that would be?

Your friend,  
Anne 


	4. February 26, 1813

_February 26, 1813_  
_Skelfer House_  
_Market Weighton, Yorkshire_

Dear Annie,   
I haven't heard from you since I returned home and I begin to worry that I have offended you. Please, if any of my questions have been too personal or my anecdotes too ~~scandalous~~ improper, you have only to say the word and I shall apologize and never repeat the offence.

If rumours about the reason for my expulsion have reached your ears, I beg you to disregard them. They are unfounded. I promise you I did nothing wrong in the eyes of God. You are my oldest and truest friend. I could not bear to lose you over a scandalous untruth.

Your friend, hopefully,   
Anne

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is fully written, but I'm going to delay posting to help build the sense of time passing.   
> I'll be posting every week on Fridays for the next month, starting October 24, 2020.


	5. March 1, 1813

_March 1, 1813_  
_Crow Nest_  
_Halifax, Yorkshire_

Dear Anne,  
I have been writing to you! I have penned a response to every letter you sent me. I am at a loss to explain what's happened to them. You must never believe that I would ignore you. I do not have the strength within me to remove you from my life in such a way. You are too close to my heart for any rumour to dissolve our friendship or for any question to be impertinent. I would answer anything you asked.

I'm distressed at the thought that my letters may have been lost in the mail and opened by unfriendly eyes. It does not seem likely. Do you think it likely? I wouldn't worry except that my answers to your letters were very personal and I would rather you were the only soul to know their contents. Though it may be unlikely, it is still possible. I've asked my mother to look into it. She has a talent for fixing problems.

Your friend, always,  
Annie


	6. March 3, 1813

_March 3, 1813_  
_Skelfer House_  
_Market Weighton, Yorkshire_

Dear Annie,  
Mother has written to Father for what to do with me. I have been refused admittance by two schools in Lancashire and one in Derbyshire. I am beginning to want to be sent away--anything to get me out of this house-- but I am pleased that my notoriety has spread so far. Infamy is less preferable than fame, but still infinitely preferable to the banal. Perhaps they will have to send me on to London. I can hope. Surely in a city as large and worldly as London, there must be other lonely souls like mine? I know that I cannot be the only person in the world who feels like this. God would not be that cruel.

I think of you often, you know. I wonder at what you are doing and who you are with. I picture you painting most often, standing by your easel in the window with the light just right for your work. I treasure the paintings you have sent me. You have such skill. ~~Would you send me a self-portrait?~~

Do you have any desire to go to boarding school? Or do you remain content with your governess? I admit I have a hard time imagining you at school. I'm sure you would be admired by the girls and teachers alike, as you are clever and kind, but school is confining and regimented and you deserve to be free. Then again, what fun it would be to attend school together!

I would get in far less trouble if you were there to mind me. Not that we would be well-behaved, well-bred ladies, rather we could be partners in crime and create such intricate plans we would never be caught. Imagine midnight feasts, sneaking off the grounds to go to the shops, and skiving off lessons to play in the woods. It would be such fun, and much better than school without you.

Your friend,  
Anne


	7. March 10, 1813

_March 10, 1813_  
_Crow Nest_  
_Halifax, Yorkshire_

Dear Miss Marian Lister,

I need to enlist your help. My letters are not reaching to your sister, though I know they are received by Market Weighton Post Office and then sent to your house. I suspect foul play and believe that someone in your household is intercepting Anne's correspondence. I implore you to pass the enclosed letter on to your sister.

Faithfully,  
Miss Ann Walker

_March 10, 1813_  
_Crow Nest_  
_Halifax, Yorkshire_

Dear Anne,  
My mother spoke with the Royal Mail outposts in Halifax and Market Weighton. My letters to you were posted from Halifax and delivered to Market Weighton. The delivery boy swore three times on Sunday that he had delivered them to your house. ~~I suspect~~ This is terrible of me, but I wonder if someone in your household is keeping my letters from you. Why someone would go to such lengths to hurt you is beyond me. I've addressed this letter to your sister in the hope that it will make it to your hand.

Your friend always,  
Annie


	8. March 21, 1813

_March 21, 1813_  
_Skelfer House_  
_Market Weighton, Yorkshire_

Dear Annie,  
I should probably stop writing to you until I receive a response, no doubt you are irritated by my barrage of letters. Today it seems preferable that you and your family have suffered some misfortune rather than you despise me. This is terrible of me, and I would never truly wish ill on anyone you love, but today I fear I would bear news of a tragedy more gracefully than your disdain.

I am still shut up in the house. Miss Marianna Belcombe is not permitted to visit and Mother continues to ignore me. Marian has taken after her in the last four days. Had you asked me a week ago I would have proclaimed silence a blessing in comparison to her near-constant nattering and berating. Instead, I feel as though I am turning into a ghost, haunting the halls of Skelfler House with purpose yet without effect. The sensation is unsettling and I long for ~~you to~~ ~~hold me~~ your companionship.

I have half a mind to run away, to steal a horse and disappear forever. However romantic it sounds, I have no desire to be a horse thief, or poor. I am a woman with no skills suited for trade or service. I would be dead before I could make it out of Yorkshire.

Let's play pretend again. Let's pretend I am a penniless runaway and you are a stranger to me: a widowed clergyman's wife, perhaps. Would you take me in and feed me from your table, though you had little to spare and naught to gain but the dangerous company of a vagabond?

I hope you are well. I was wrong earlier. It would be much worse if you were harmed in any way. Hate me all you want so long as you're alright.

Sincerely,  
Anne


	9. March 24, 1813

_March 24, 1813_   
_Crow Nest_   
_Halifax, Yorkshire_

Dear Mrs. Lister,  
It is with great concern that I write to you. There seems to be some trouble with the post, as my letters have not been received by either of your daughters. I am worried that Miss Anne or Miss Marian may have fallen ill or had an accident. You have known me since I was a young child. Please, out of the kindness of your heart, please inform me what has befallen my friend and see that the enclosed letter makes it to Miss Anne.

Gratefully yours,  
Miss Ann Walker

_March 24, 1813_   
_Crow Nest_   
_Halifax, Yorkshire_

Dear Anne,  
I sent my last letter to you by way of your sister. I enclosed it in a letter addressed to Marian, but it seems that route was not successful either. I am running out of ideas and running low on hope. If this letter does not reach your hand then — then I shall despair. There is no one else in your house I could write to; your father and brothers are away, and I don't know the names of any of your staff. I think your maid might be called Susan? Or perhaps Samantha? I can't remember and I can't ask you since I can't reach you! 

I know it's a risk to send this letter ~~through your mother~~ , but I am desperate to prevent any notion that I dislike you from lodging in your mind. ~~I love you, and even though you don't feel the same, I~~ Please, Anne, don't give up on me. ~~I need you.~~ I am not giving up on you.

Your friend, always,  
Annie


	10. April 17, 1813

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a short update this week.   
> A month has passed. Anne wasn't going to write to Annie until she'd heard back, but she has a moment of weakness and sends this letter anyways.

_April 17, 1813_  
_Skelfer House_  
_Market Weighton, Yorkshire_

Dear Ann,

Oh, won't you write to me? No one has written to me during my confinement and I am going mad with boredom. If I have to withstand the silence much longer they will surely drag me away to an asylum. The thought that I have driven my friends away with my poor behaviour is enough to end me. I do not belong with my family, I never have, and so my few friends are all I have in this world. Please say that you don't despise me. I couldn't bear it.

Desperately,  
Anne


	11. May 20, 1813

_May 20, 1813_  
_Skelfer House_  
_Market Weighton, Yorkshire_

Dear Ann,  
It’s your birthday today. I hope that you spend the day joyfully surrounded by your family. We’re the same age now, just for these two weeks. I hope fifteen is kinder to you than it was to me. 

I wasn’t going to write you, but it’s your birthday and Mother has heard from Father, who suggests that I be sent to my aunt and uncle at Shibden Hall. Mother is not pleased with his solution as she thinks my Aunt Anne and Uncle James too lenient, and I suspect she does not want me to live so close to a dear friend. I haven't told her that I haven't received any letters from you. She would get too much satisfaction from it.

I would wonder what I had done to warrant her hatred, but in truth I know I have made her life difficult since I took my first independent steps and spoke my first babbling words. People talk about me. They always have done. I pretend I don't notice or don't mind, but I hear them and I see them stare and I do care. I know that I will never be a great beauty, but surely that is no reason for cruelty. As a woman, shouldn't I be granted sympathy since beauty is one of the only things I am allowed to own yet my poor self will never possess? I would much rather be ugly than stupid, not that God gave me a choice, but I am glad that I have my mind. At least I am not ugly and dull. 

I hope that my aunt and uncle are willing to take on my education. I think Auntie would be a patient teacher, even with me, and Uncle James would let me read any book in his library. The only books in my father's library are military histories, which are well enough but grow repetitious with time. Uncle James has a great deal of medical texts, and though I would never be permitted to be a physician, I could learn some of the mysteries of the human body.

Furthermore, I have not given up on you, dear Annie. ~~I have loved~~ We have known each other too long for you to abandon me over any unsubstantiated rumour. I know you to be much more constant than that. Perhaps you and your family are abroad and I missed the letter informing me of your travels in my transfer between school and home. In any case, I am hopeful that if I come to reside at Shibden Hall we can rekindle the friendship we cultivated in our youth. 

Your friend,  
Anne


	12. May 27, 1813

_May 27, 1813_  
_Skelfer House_  
_Market Weighton, Yorkshire_

Dear Annie,  
Auntie and Uncle James have agreed to house and educate me! The servants are in a flurry packing my trunk. I leave within the week. Mother is eager to be rid of me, but I don't mind because I'm going to live at Shibden and be close to you!

I hope I find you and your family well. Think of the fun we shall have! We can ride and I can watch you paint. Perhaps we could return to the ruins where we played as children.

~~If you no longer~~ ~~If you shouldn’t like~~ ~~If you are forbidden from~~  
I shall endeavour to win back your affection. Your friendship means a great deal to me. It always has. ~~I had thought~~ I know I am important to you. I couldn't bear to have you so close while you despise me. It shan't happen. We shall be the closest of friends, as we always have been.

Your friend,  
Anne


	13. May 29, 1813

_May 29, 1813_  
_Crow Nest_  
_Halifax, Yorkshire_

Dear Mrs. Lister,

Please forgive the level of familiarity I assume by making this request. You see, there has been a problem with the post and your soon-to-be ward, Miss Lister, did not receive any of my letters while she resided at Skelfer House. I fear she has come to believe that we are no longer friends, and wish to assure her that I am very pleased she will be joining you at Shibden Hall.

If you would be so kind, could you please see that ~~Anne~~ Miss Lister receives the enclosed letter when she arrives and extend an invitation for her to call on my family at Crow Nest at her earliest convenience? You are also welcome to call on us whenever it pleases you, Mrs. Lister.

You have my deepest gratitude.

Sincerely,  
Miss Ann Walker

_May 29, 1813_  
_Crow Nest_  
_Halifax, Yorkshire_

Dearest Anne,

I am so pleased that you are making your home at Shibden Hall. Please call on me as soon as you are settled. I did write you, and I have a theory about the disappearing letters. Please come quickly. I am eager to see you.

Forever yours,  
Annie


	14. June 5, 1813

_June 5, 1813_  
_Shibden Hall_  
_Halifax, Yorkshire_

Dear Diary,  
I arrived at Shibden Hall this afternoon at half two, just after dinner. My Auntie gave me a hug and handed me Annie’s letter before we had even stepped inside. Uncle James let me open it right away—Mother would have made me wait until after supper—and I’m so grateful he did otherwise I would have had to wait until tomorrow to see her. Annie got all my letters and responded to them. She thinks Marian or Mother was keeping them from me, but more on that later. In her letter, she asked me to call on her straight away, as soon as I’d arrived. I was ready to turn around, head back to the carriage, and continue down the lane to Crow Nest, but Auntie insisted that I change out of my travel clothes and eat a late dinner before visiting. By the time all that was done, even though I rushed as much as I could, there was barely any time left to go calling. Auntie and I went anyways and Annie threw herself on me before I’d even reached the top step to her house. She doesn’t despise me and indeed has been fretting over me.

Lw zdv vr jrrg wr vhh khu djdlq. Vkh lv hyhq pruh ehdxwlixo wkdq vkh zdv odvw L vdz khu. Khu kdqgv duh vr vriw dqg jhqwoh, khu hbhv vxfk d euljkw eoxh, dqg vkh lv vr dffrpsolvkhg! L zlvk wkhuh zdv d zdb wr fdswxuh khu sodblqj vr wkdw L frxog olvwhq wr lw hqgohvvob. Khu sdlqwlqjv duh iudphg dqg kxqj derxw wkh sulydwh duhdv ri wkh krxvh. Vkh vkrxog eh wudyhoolqj wkh zruog dqg vwxgblqj zlwk wkh juhdw pdvwhuv. Li vkh zhuh d pdq dqg li khu idplob zhuh qrw txlwh vr zhoo rii, vkh zrxog eh hqfrxudjhg wr ixuwkhu khu ixwxuh wkurxjk vxfk phdqv. L vkrxog olnh wr wdnh khu wr Iudqfh zlwk ph li L dp deoh wr pdnh lw wkhuh vrphgdb. Vkh vkrxog eh lq Sdulv.  
It was so good to see her again. She is even more beautiful than she was last I saw her. Her hands are so soft and gentle, her eyes such a bright blue, and she is so accomplished! I wish there was a way to capture her playing so that I could listen to it endlessly. Her paintings are framed and hung about the private areas of the house. She should be travelling the world and studying with the great masters. If she were a man and if her family were not quite so well off, she would be encouraged to further her future through such means. I should like to take her to France with me if I am able to make it there someday. She should be in Paris.

Annie thinks that my mother or sister have been stealing my letters. She addressed one letter to my sister and another to my mother in the hopes that they would reach me, but neither did even after they’d been delivered to the house. I haven’t decided yet what to do to Marian or Mother. First, reconnaissance is required to determine if one or both are guilty and then I can execute an act of fitting revenge. If Mother is the culprit, she has reached a deeper level of cruelty than I believed her capable. If Marian kept Annie’s letters from me, though she is only nine and has been influenced by Mother, she will regret it.

I suspect that they also withheld Marianna’s and Eliza’s letters. I doubt Eliza would have been allowed to write to me, but Marianna would have written letters, surely, and those were also kept from me by my wretched, small-hearted family. Now that I am at Shibden Hall I will write to them both again, at least with my new address, so that we might resume correspondence.

L plvv Holcd guhdgixoob. Vkh lv wkh rqob shuvrq L nqrz zkr ihhov wkh vdph zdb wrzdugv zrphq dqg phq dv L gr. L uhjuhw qrwklqj, hafhsw ehlqj fdxjkw. Wkh khduwdfkh dqg wkh vhfuhfb zhuh zruwk lw wr oryh dqg ihho oryhg. Khu olsv … L oryhg nlvvlqj khu. L krsh khu idplob lv wuhdwlqj khu zhoo. Lw lv kdug wr lpdjlqh wkdw wkhb frxog eh fuxhohu wkdq pb rzq.  
I miss Eliza dreadfully. She is the only person I know who feels the same way towards women and men as I do. I regret nothing, except being caught. The heartache and the secrecy were worth it to love and feel loved. Her lips … I loved kissing her. I hope her family is treating her well. It is hard to imagine that they could be crueler than my own.

In happier news, Annie wants me to visit again tomorrow. I am to come right after breakfast and stay until tea. She says she has earned a day of freedom from her studies, and her governess is soft on her. She’s already granted Annie a day’s reprieve so that we might reconnect. Meanwhile, the servants will finish unpacking my trunks and Auntie will begin her search for my governess.

I don’t think I should care if my governess is beastly and strict and cruel. Nothing can bring me down now that I know for certain that Annie is still my friend. We can see each other every day if we want to! Perhaps Annie’s governess would be willing to take me on as her pupil and I could be with Annie the whole day almost every day. Wouldn’t that be wondrous?

Sincerely,  
Anne Lister, now of Shibden Hall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If the decoded cipher tooltip isn't working for you, Anne used a 3 shift Caeser cipher. 
> 
> The Caeser cipher has been around in Western culture since, you guessed it, the Roman Empire. England was obsessed with Ancient Greece during the Regency Period (which is what those excessively fabulous hair curls are about). Their obsession spilled over into an enthusiam for Ancient Rome which built as the century progressed. Anne would have learned some Roman history at school, and I like to think that she would have used a Caeser cipher in her first journals.  
> A Caeser cipher is not hard to break - a person can do it given some time and persistance. I imagine that Anne would have delved into more complex codes over the years as she continued journalling. 
> 
> I had so much fun writing this story! Thank you everyone for coming along. I hope you liked it, and had as much fun with the strikethroughs, scribbled out confessions, and ciphers as I did.


End file.
